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Thanks to source nemesistwin, I got my hands on a draft of the upcoming Paramount blockbuster GI Joe: The Rise of Cobra. Described by some people as “Spy Kids 4: All Grown Up,” the script, written by Stuart Beattie, resembles what you can imagine if Stephen Sommers were given a bunch of GI Joe action figures to play with. Part one of my full and complete MAJOR SPOILER-filled review after the jump!
The script opens 1641 Paris France, where Scotsman James McCullen is being tried for supplying military arms to the enemies of Lord King Louis XIII. McCullen does not seem disturbed by the charges read to him by the warden, and merely cries out that it is the McCullen destiny to run the wars, where true power lies. In response, two prison guards make an example of him by placing a newly fashioned (straight from the furnace) metal mask upon his face and melting the lock.
His descendant in present day, by the same name, talks to a crowd of military commanders at NATO about high tech nano-mites that can eat through almost anything. A consummate professional and CEO of Mars Industries, he hopes to further his weapon with the help of NATO funding.
Switch to “handsome, rugged” Duke as he is first introduced infiltrating the Mars warhead development facility in Central Asia. Hawk, currently attending the NATO presentation stateside, has sent in his team to watch over the delivery bay for the warheads. Compatriot on the mission is Ripcord, who is described as “a little short on the academic credentials,” which I guess is witty script-talk for saying he’s stupid. He is truly a dumb tool of a character who’s every line will struggle to gain laughs from the movie going audience. Anyway, Hawk promises safe delivery of the weapon, however, his convey is attacked by a “Typhoon” gunship.
The gunship takes out the Blackhawk and all the patrol vehicles. Duke and Ripcord climb out of the lead vehicle to see soldier clad foot soldiers, aka Vipers, brandishing pulse rifles. Ana, the Baroness, is also revealed to emerge from the Typhoon, bloodthirsty for Duke’s hide. It’s around this time in the script that my favorite new phrase is uttered, “asses-over-teacups”. Duke gets his ass, for that matter, handed to him by the Baroness until Snake Eyes drops into the festivities with his katana blade. While bullets didn’t seem to work against the Viper armor, a katana blade seems to work just fine. Ana attempts to steal the case of warheads, which is foiled by Duke. She then disappears back into the fleeting Typhoon as the rest of the “Joes” show up for the first time.
Duke does not know Heavy Duty, Scarlett, Breaker, and Snake Eyes (all of them except Snake in their spiffy next gen suits), whom request the case he has recently acquired. The team shows Duke and Ripcord a live feed of General Hawk, via HOLOGRAM (which the script utilizes ad nausea for a few pages), who invites them to his super, secret hideout in a cavernous hole in Egypt.
McCullen coordinates with Hawk on the best scenario to protect the warheads and establish what organization attacked them. Of course, however, McCullen a lying, manipulative Scotsman, who’s portrayal is EXACTLY like Julian McMahon’s Dr. Doom in the Fantastic Four film adaptation. McCullen wants a little love from Ana, but Ana has no time for love (considering she is still married). Storm Shadow is revealed, as Korean rather than the previously established Japanese American, and sans mask.
Enter Bad Guy hideout: Neo Vipers stand attention to McCullen. These soldiers are “the baddest of the bad,” and are treated with the nano-mites into the brain, making them impervious to many physical injuries, pain and remorse. McCullen’s main objective is easy enough to guess, dictatorship of the world…a means to unify the warring nations under one totalitarian entity. The Doctor (sans the Mindbender), who’s face is mostly covered and his voice distorted, and Zartan are introduced.
This is where in the script we get a headcount of everyone involved on both sides, and some much needed character fleshing. We find out that Ana was once Duke’s fiancé, much to Hawk’s surprise when it is revealed to him. Doesn’t GI Joe do background checks on people they try to recruit? Ana is currently married to Baron Decobray, a French scientist, who is just a puppet in Ana’s plans.
Duke and Ripcord are then outfitted with Mark One Accelerator suit, complete with rocket launchers, grappling hooks, machines guns, and the works. This is my biggest issue with the script, but more on that later.
Ana, Storm Shadow and the Neo Vipers infiltrate the Joe’s hideout, the first major casualty being Hawk’s errand girl Cover Girl… and Hawk himself is seriously injured. Snake Eyes and Storm Shadow have their first sword fight, where the former realizes his enemy is his clan brother.
Enter a sh*tty scene, and I do mean sh*tty: Snake Eyes flashes back to when he was a 10 year old French orphan boy in the streets of Saigon. Young Snakey decides to steal food at a clan house, and encounters a young Storm Shadow and his Japanese kung fu Master (who offers to train the little French boy). Okay…a French boy, a Korean kid, and a Japanese kung fu master all hanging out in a temple in Vietnam. Sounds like a bad joke.
Flash forward to the present, and the Joes have figured out (through Ripcord’s thinking no less) that McCullen is the traitor. Breaker, who apparently has something finally interesting to do, reveals that the computer has connected the Baroness to Baron Decobray… most likely with the intention of using the man to “weaponize” the warheads. On their way to Paris, Duke has a flashback where he accidentally had Ana’s military scientist brother blown up during a mission.
While on route via vehicle, Breaker, in yet another moment of how useful his character is, points out the enemy’s vehicle leaving the Baron’s household…yes, you dumb f*ck…it’s right across the street from your own car! Ripcord has a Jar Jar Binks moment when he leaps out of the vehicle and stumbles around in the super suit, even being hit by a car at one moment and uttering “Excusem moi”. Ripcord and Duke chase down the enemy vehicle ON FOOT while dodging incoming traffic, which may look silly when it appears on screen.
Duke and Ripcord chase Ana and Storm Shadow up the Eiffel Tower, as the evil duo plans to test the nanomachines on the tower. Beattie describes Duke and Ripcord as moving like “beings from another planet,” which is just way too much for my taste. The nanomachines are released, destroying the tower, but stopped before they can do damage to the city. Duke is captured by Ana and Storm Shadow, while the rest of the Joes are left to rot in a French cell for the day.
So, wheelchair-bound Hawk (just like in the Devil’s Due comics!) comes to their aide, however, all the nation’s Joes are being recalled. He gives a little “wink, wink” for them to head to McCullen’s arctic base to rescue Duke. Shipwreck is introduced as the Joe submarine captain during this final action sequence, but really doesn’t have any lines. That’ll probably changed because of who they cast in the role.
Duke is sentenced to become a drone by the pussified McCullen, but the Doctor has one last secret to reveal. He is Rex, Ana’s thought to be dead brother (remember? from part 1?). On their original mission, Rex survived the blast and found a lab which would allow him to:
- brainwash his sister
- reshape facial bones, change eye color, and make skin more elastic or something evilish that doesn’t make a lick of sense but who cares…nano-mites are all the rage these days
The Joes attack the base, and Snake Eyes and Storm Shadow have a duel amongst a moving laser grid atop a pulse canon, all the while flashbacks are presented to us of their history together. Snake eyes gets the upper hand over Storm Shadow, knocking him over a railing and into the cold drink. McCullen, in his encounter with Duke, has his face burned, but escapes with the Doctor while the villain hideout is destroyed. Oh, and Ripcord grabs a jet to shoot down a nano-missile headed for the White House. The movie ends with McCullen fated to wear a solidified mask of nanomachines stuck on his face, the Doctor refers to himself as (Cobra) “Commander” (see pic at right), Ana is still “evil” brainwashed but imprisoned, and Duke/Ripcord are now officially GI Joes.
Long summary aside, I didn’t find it as bad as most people who have already read the script. It’s meant to be an adaptation of a toy line and children’s cartoon that have been reimagined and retconned multiple times already, I am not really expecting Paramount Pictures to Dark Knight the storyline. What did rub me the wrong way, and only due to ONE SCENE, was the chase in Paris. Why must we see Ripcord (Marlon Wayans) and Duke (Channing Tatum) bust through buildings and leap long distances as if they were Superman. Is this really going to look cool? Or more along the lines of bad Van Helsing CGI? I understand the screenwriter’s need to make “Average Joes” (heh) more appealing to today’s audience…he gave them superpowers essentially. Would it have been more effective to keep the Joes “normal” and just have them exist in an exaggerated world where guns make big “BOOMS” and laws of physics aren’t as detrimental? I don’t know, but come this summer, I think we might have some critics groaning at said Paris scene.
Other issues of mine,
I wish they cut out Snake Eyes/Storm Shadow back-story... the film would have been just as effective, if not more, without it. It’s dumb and reveals mysteries about the characters that should remain a mystery. Unfortunately, they actually went ahead and filmed it. Damn.
If Ana “Baroness” is evil against her own free will, why then is Duke so freely willingly to kill her at the beginning of the film?
The dialogue teeters, ever so slightly, the line between silly action fun and just plain bad over-the-top dribble. If the music and actors, besides Wayans, do not emphasis the excruciating dialogue, the film should be fine. I mean, some of the dialogue in The Dark Knight was pretty hard to swallow, but the acting made it credible.
McCullen is, truly, another pussified corporate villain. Can’t we have a “Destro” McCullen that can handle himself in a fight and has a more sinister background? (Cobra) Commander doesn’t fare much better.
Where the hell is the Cobra in this COBRA organization?
Zartan is only in one scene in the script, returning in the end (TWIST) as the President through a switcheroo and a nano-mite facial reconstruction. While an end twist is all fine and good, the film is lacking in some memorable bad guys.
Doesn’t casting Marlon Wayans guarantee utter shittiness of certain scenes?
My suspicions tell me that GI Joe will only have this one mission, as I am not sure if audiences would be really interested in this subject matter. It plays like The Rock mixed in with the Roger Moore James Bond films, complete with Moonraker jet packs. Kids love Transformers because they are big ass robots, will they like watching American soldiers on screen (besides Snake Eyes, who doesn’t need a suit and is badass on his own)? And I hate this annoying film trend of taking out the sinister, mysterious nature out of villains. Michael Myers becomes an abused hick, M. Bison becomes a ruthless Irishman/businessman, Dr. Doom becomes a ruthless businessman, and Destro becomes a ruthless Scottish businessman. Are businessmen really that scary?
Hope you enjoyed my long-winded summary and short review of GI Joe. From what I hear, a couple of tweaks have been made since this draft, and of course things change when you’re shooting a film, so I’m sure not everything above will stick (I hear Snake Eyes has been made American again), but most of it seems spot on.[/align][/spoil]
Oh by-the-way,
here’s a new spoilerfied script review.
as Baroness. Transformers II and GI Joe in 2009 
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