A Steaming Pile Of Sith

Ternian · Posted: Tue Jan 24, 2006 5:43 am Post subject: A Steaming Pile Of Sith

http://www.thebestpageintheuniverse.net/c.cgi?u=episode3

I didn't think it was possible to be more unimpressed with Star Wars. Today, I stand corrected. If you were unfortunate enough to hear your stupid co-workers yammering on about Lucas' latest shit burger, you might have heard them saying something like "I didn't like the first two, but this one was good!" When I ask why, these people have trouble responding because it's hard to talk with George Lucas' flaccid penis in their collective mouths. Perhaps the question I should be asking is "why didn't you like the other two movies if you liked this one?" Nothing has changed. You have the same vacant-looking actors running around, aimlessly bumping into things, an army of stupid, sensitive robots, and dialogue clumsy enough to warrant putting a handicap sticker on George Lucas' car.

To Lucas' credit, he was tacitly shamed into not giving Jar Jar any talking lines in this movie. With Jar Jar's character no longer speaking to annoy you, Lucas filled the void by giving every robot in the movie stupid toy noises. So instead of doing something cool like having the robots chase after screaming children, they bitch and moan and say things like "ow" when they get their prosthetic limbs chopped off. Even worse are the idiots who scarf down these sub-childish morsels of comedic relief, playing into Lucas' shallow theatrics so easily that you could sell these people hookers in a vagina storm.

Before I go on, I have to address something that all you stupid Star Wars nerds are probably thinking right about now: "But Maddox, it's a movie made for kids, what do you expect?!" Even Lucas stated in an interview with the BBC that:

"The movies are for children but [the fans] don't want to admit that."

Oh really? It just so happens that this "children's movie" has a scene where a guy gets his hands chopped off, a graphic decapitation, the wanton slaughter of children (the highlight of any movie), and the coolest scene in any space action movie starring Ewan McGregor: Anakin getting his legs chopped off as his stumps catch fire while his face melts. By the way, if you haven't seen this movie yet, don't read the previous sentence.

The most damning thing about this epic waste of time is the piecemeal plot thatched together with just enough good will and nostalgia to pacify the average idiot (i.e., you). Besides all the jedis in the movie being morons who are unable to detect conspiracies involving the cooperation of thousands of soldiers, Lucas does his best to make this movie extra insulting to our intelligence:

Senator Palpatine seduces Anakin to the dark side in about as much time as it takes for you to finish reading this sentence. Nevermind the fact that Anakin knows Palpatine is a Sith lord before accepting his offer, or that Sith lords are known for doing things like, oh.. I don't know, KILLING MILLIONS OF PEOPLE. Anakin is on a mission to save his wife, Padme, from certain death! Or at least likely death. Okay, it was a dream. But it seemed pretty real during the flashback sequence, so Anakin has no reason not to believe this dream will come true, as is the tendency of dreams.

Near the end, Lucas takes a shit on the script and makes his crew translate it into an ending that putters across the finish line. The product is a scene where Anakin tries to literally choke Padme using the force:

Yes, that's right. The entire reason Anakin switched to the dark side becomes unraveled when he tries to kill Padme, who was the reason he switched to the dark side to begin with. Oops! Of course, Star Wars apologists will try to point out that Anakin was already under the influence of the "dark side" at this point. So that's why the first thing he asks as Darth Vader is whether Padme is safe, right you morons?

Even after pointing out these serious problems with the plot, Star Wars nerds will still try to get you to admit one thing: "you have to admit that the special effects were good, right?"

NEWS FLASH: Episode III had no special effects.

They're not "special effects" anymore when they're found in EVERY SCENE. Lucas has done the seemingly impossible: he has made something that was once so unique that people called it "special" by name, and turned it into something so ordinary that nobody raises an eyebrow during a scene where a guy is having a sword fight on the back of a giant beast. By the way, I have to admit that the creature design was very creative in this episode; modeled after frilled lizards and ticks, Lucas tapped the well of innovation dry on this one. Congratulations Lucas, we don't care about "special" effects anymore.

Speaking of, that reminds me of the character "General Grievous" a bad guy so sinister, his very name stands for PAIN AND SUFFERING. Nice job assholes. Tired of thinking up awesome names like "Lord Dooku" and "Nute Gunray" for your bad guys? Why not just call all your characters "Evil" and "Bad" next time? All Grievous needed was a monocle, and a large black moustache that he could twirl as he cackled "I'll get you, if it's the last thing I do!" Ditch this bullshit.

Ayatollah Krispies · Joined: 06 Aug 2004 Posts: 1024

You left off the last line:

1,646,088 dipshits camped out in line for this movie only to realize that it sucks like the other 5.

Hmm. Wonder if he made up his mind before going in, possibly?

sultan bey · Joined: 28 Apr 2005 Posts: 172 Location: Dallas

Why Create When It's Easier To Destroy?

Wrath Mania · Joined: 20 Jun 2004 Posts: 367

that review is so 7 months ago, dude.

foxbatkllr · Joined: 24 Apr 1981 Posts: 615 Location: San Diego

Sometimes his rants are funny, sometimes not. It's amazing that if you buy a domain name and post shitty rants you can magically gain internet credibility - which IRL amounts to absolutely jack shit.

Ternian · Posted: Tue Jan 24, 2006 6:45 pm Post subject:

Wrath I know, but I found it and laughed myself silly. The pics are hilarious.

And sharing is caring :P

Spacerocker · Joined: 26 Jul 2004 Posts: 13

The guy who wrote that needs to learn the difference between special and visual effects.

Raveers · Posted: Tue Jan 24, 2006 11:13 pm Post subject:

This guy seriously needs to lay off the weed. Mr. Green

SI · Site Admin Joined: 25 May 1977 Posts: 1488

actually I thought it was quite funny.

(ie, you) fucken brilliant LOL

Kip · Joined: 01 Jun 2005 Posts: 55

Friend is a four letter word.

Mike_Droideka · Joined: 31 Jan 2005 Posts: 326 Location: Australia

It's so easy to open up the mouth of Star Wars and shit down it's throat.
What I wanna know is, what the fuck has that cunt contributed to movie history?

Longtime_Sunshine · Posted: Sat Jan 28, 2006 1:51 pm Post subject:

Mike_Droideka · Joined: 31 Jan 2005 Posts: 326 Location: Australia

Ternian · Posted: Sat Jan 28, 2006 5:01 pm Post subject:

lol come on the pictures were true :p

ETAndElliot4Ever · Posted: Sat Jan 28, 2006 8:00 pm Post subject:

He failed to mention the general douchebaggery of movie General Grievous and, of course, "She has lost the will to live."

LP · Joined: 04 Nov 2004 Posts: 20

how about wookies and clonetroopers who stand still out in the open as the droids attack fire upon them...trench warfare seems a little dumb

how about all of the jedi dying without being able to sense anything thats going on...george lucass son jet fought better and killed more clonetroopers in his cameo than any of the experienced jedi...

yoda escapes so easily...careful timing we will need? i figure anyone searching the place for yoda would have found him

and for anakin and padme to even think that nobody knows about their marriage/fling is absurd. and anakin doesnt know that there are twins in her womb is absurd...

Bandersnatch · **OBGYN** Joined: 25 Aug 2004 Posts: 2849

LP · Joined: 04 Nov 2004 Posts: 20

there were 10,0000+ Jedi? i didnt know that

still they didnt really go out with a bang...like when the 2 female jedi are killed...both are shot from behind without a clue...couldnt they at least go out with a little faint of glory...

and jedi are able to sense presences...why wouldnt he be able to sense the children while he is in their presence...the womb shouldnt obscure this.

and why would obi-wan complain about his cockpit being foggy if he is latter teaching luke the lightsaber essentialy blindfolded?

and am i right in assuming that obi-wan and anakin were trapped in the rayshields because the darkside of palpatine clouded their vision?

maybe this should all be going to into the ive seen it and want to rant thread...

Bandersnatch · **OBGYN** Joined: 25 Aug 2004 Posts: 2849

I don't know how many Jedi there were. I just pulled 10k out of my ass. My point is, we don't see every Jedi get wacked. Just a few. Who knows how much of a fight the others put up? The point in the ones we see is to show that they were caught off-guard.

So, Obi-Wan can't see for the moment in his cockpit and reports this to Anakin. He doesn't say "I can't see... how am I supposed to fight?" Also, he's younger in ROTS than he is in ANH. Maybe he himself learned a few more things over the years? Not hard to imagine.

LP · Joined: 04 Nov 2004 Posts: 20

classic star wars nerd ignorant justify anything bullshit

next please.

Bandersnatch · **OBGYN** Joined: 25 Aug 2004 Posts: 2849

You gotta be fucking kidding me.

Those answers simply came to mind, not from being a "nerd," but by WATCHING THE FUCKING MOVIE.

LP · Joined: 04 Nov 2004 Posts: 20

dont be so emotional gravyboy

Raveers · Posted: Wed Feb 01, 2006 6:11 pm Post subject:

Hmm seems someone's no pleased with the prequels at all. So question why do you still post here?

foxbatkllr · Joined: 24 Apr 1981 Posts: 615 Location: San Diego

The tragedy of troopers shooting their commanding officers in the back without hesitation is lost on some people.

Ternian · Posted: Thu Feb 02, 2006 5:49 am Post subject:

The tragedy is there, but the logic isn't - I think thats the point.

Bandersnatch · **OBGYN** Joined: 25 Aug 2004 Posts: 2849

BrotherTheFirst · Joined: 14 Jan 2005 Posts: 308

good read.

MannyOrtez · Joined: 01 Dec 2004 Posts: 413

Maddox was cool like 5 years ago. Since then he's just been a total dumbass. How hard is it to bitch about everything?

foxbatkllr · Joined: 24 Apr 1981 Posts: 615 Location: San Diego

Bandersnatch · **OBGYN** Joined: 25 Aug 2004 Posts: 2849

Right, but remember we're not supposed to think that way, because everything we say classifies us as classic star wars nerds who will ignorantly justify anything.

whoa

SI · Site Admin Joined: 25 May 1977 Posts: 1488

LP has internet cred

Longtime_Sunshine · Posted: Mon Feb 06, 2006 12:11 am Post subject:

SI has poop cred

Demodex · Joined: 11 Apr 2005 Posts: 111

The prequels sucked. Maddox has it right.

thecolorsblend · Joined: 06 Oct 2004 Posts: 425

BrotherTheFirst · Joined: 14 Jan 2005 Posts: 308

foxbatkllr · Joined: 24 Apr 1981 Posts: 615 Location: San Diego

Raveers · Posted: Wed Feb 22, 2006 1:07 pm Post subject:

Keep in mind too no one expected the clones to turn on any of them. They had fought beside these clones for 3 years and had gotten quite used to it. Some of the Jedi even were friends to some of the Clone Commanders. IE: Obi-Wan to Commander Cody. I perfectly understand what foxbatkllr said.

BearaceDougie · Posted: Sat Feb 25, 2006 2:46 am Post subject:

I Liked It, Much Better then the earlier two

P.S. OMG I"M BACK Mr. Green

Bandersnatch · **OBGYN** Joined: 25 Aug 2004 Posts: 2849

Welcome back! I recently resurrected this thread cuz it made me lol:

danceman

http://www.millenniumfalcon.com/phpbb/viewtopic.php?t=3145

Bandersnatch · **OBGYN** Joined: 25 Aug 2004 Posts: 2849

...sith... shit... sith...

Oh, now I get it.

It's like one of them, what do they call it, a annalgram or somethin', right?

:monocle:

SI · Site Admin Joined: 25 May 1977 Posts: 1488

Agent Smith is a homo

hypertext · Posted: Fri Mar 10, 2006 5:32 pm Post subject:

BADMuTHeRPhuKKeR · Joined: 03 Mar 2007 Posts: 1 Location: Everywhere

all that pent up aggression to the crap that fool maddox comes up with indicates that he was probably abused as a child!

ETAndElliot4Ever · Posted: Mon Mar 05, 2007 9:03 pm Post subject:

Either that, or he just didn't care for the movie.

MTH · Joined: 05 Mar 2005 Posts: 327

The guy that wrote that is the same guy that claimed in his last rant that you can't download Quicktime separate from iTunes anymore off of Apple.com...

:whatevaho:

www.apple.com/quicktime

Eros · Joined: 25 Sep 2005 Posts: 8 Location: England

same applies to the prequels as the original films
1st one was ok,
second one so, so,
and third one 'Lucas your having a laugh'