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If you're anything like me, you've been wrestling with your conscience over paying Lucasfilm Ltd. eleven more dollars to see another incoherant disappointment. Now, thanks to my patented abridgment technology, you can be disappointed by the latest Star Wars movie in a fraction of the time, and for free!
Enjoy,
Alex
EXT. SPACE BATTLE
The bad guys have about five hundred big ships. Chancellor Palpatine, who we all figured out was the real villain about ten seconds into The Phantom Menace, is being held on the biggest ship. OBI-WAN and ANAKIN fly through the middle of a space battle, which is actually kinda cool. Don't get used to it.
OBI-WAN
I act like a pussy.
ANAKIN
I know, I have to keep saving your pussy ass. Let’s get on that biggest ship.
INT. BIGGEST SHIP
Obi-Wan, Anakin, and R2D2 kill COUNT DOOKU but are caught like suckers by GENERAL GRIEVOUS, a robot who coughs like an orphan in a Dickens novel.
GRIEVOUS
Actually, I’m a cyborg.
ANAKIN
And Obi-Wan’s too big a pussy to beat you by himself.
OBI-WAN
Hey! That hurts my feelings!
Grievous gets away while Obi-Wan sulks.
EXT. THAT CITY PLANET - NIGHT
Anakin and Padme bore us with their love story.
PADME
I’m pregnant.
ANAKIN
You’re beautiful.
PADME
You think I’m beautiful because you’re in love with me.
ANAKIN
No, I’m in love with you and thus you are loved and so beautiful because of said loving.
PADME
Everybody suffered enough during Attack of the Clones. Let’s end this scene now.
ANAKIN
Sho nuff.
INT. PADME’S BEDROOM - NIGHT
Anakin dreams Padme is dying and gets upset.
ANAKIN
It got me out of bed with Natalie Portman. That’s one fucked-up dream right there.
INT. BIG ROUND JEDI ROOM - DAY
The supposed badasses on the Jedi council sit with their thumbs up their asses.
ANAKIN
Palpatine wants me to be his male secretary or something.
YODA
No trust him, do we.
SAMUEL L. JACKSON
Shee-it, dog. I hear that.
OBI-WAN
Listen, I’m going to pretend we never had any problems between us in hopes that the audience will dream up a non-existant rapport. S’okay?
ANAKIN
S’okay.
OBI-WAN
And I want you to spy on Palpatine.
ANAKIN
Really? He seems so trustworthy.
SAMUEL L. JACKSON
You is oblivious, mofo.
ANAKIN
You’re the genius who can’t figure out I’ve been spending every night for three years in Natalie Portman’s room. I mean, you’re all fucking psychic! How can you not notice?
INT. CIRQUE DU SOLEIL - NIGHT
Palpatine lures Anakin into his private viewing box.
PALPATINE
(cackling)
Come here, little boy. Would you like some candy?
ANAKIN
See? Totally trustworthy. I don’t know what Samuel L. Jackson was complaining about.
PALPATINE
I know that you’re afraid your girl is dying, but we can bring her back to life. Want to know how I know what you’re thinking?
ANAKIN
Nah, that’s okay.
PALPATINE
Come on! Please? I’m dying to tell you it’s because I’m the villain behind this entire badly acted, snail-paced trilogy!
GEORGE LUCAS
No, that’s me.
PALPATINE
True dat, George. BTW, the Jedi are evil and jealous of your power.
ANAKIN
I guess I’d better start feeling conflicted.
EXT. FOGGY PLANET - DAY
Clones run around. Obi-Wan chases down Grievous.
CLONES
G'day, mate! Beauty! Cheers! Shrimp on the barbie!
GRIEVOUS
You know, no one knows who I am, where I came from, or what I’m up to.
OBI-WAN
I say it’s high time to invest 25 minutes in a character the audience couldn’t give a shit about!
GRIEVOUS
Preach on, brother!
A long fucking chase scene starts.
INT. PADME’S BEDROOM - DAY
Anakin throws in some unmotivated conflict.
ANAKIN
I’m going to start getting paranoid. Cool with you?
PADME
Not really.
ANAKIN
I knew it! Everyone’s against me!
INT. CHEESEY DIGITAL SENATE HALL - DAY
Palpatine paints a Hitler mustache on his upper lip in front of the whole senate.
PALPATINE
You boys cool with this?
The morons applaud.
INT. SWANKY OFFICE - NIGHT
Sam Jackson and a bunch of total no-name Jedis try to arrest Palpatine.
SAMUEL L. JACKSON
Purple lightsaber. When you absolutely, positively got to kill every motherfucker in the room, accept no substitutes.
Palpatine slaughters the no-names.
NO NAME 4
Never saw that coming...
Sam Jackson beats the shit out of Palpatine.
SAMUEL L. JACKSON
Punk ass! Them no-name niggas was my blood!
Palpatine throws lightning at Sam. It doesn't hurt Sam, but for some bizarre reason Palpatine ages like two hundred years in ten seconds. Anakin walks in.
PALPATINE
If you save me we can cut to the chase and get to you walking around in a crazy black suit!
Anakin and Palpatine throw Sammy out the window.
SAMUEL L. JACKSON
(falling to his death)
YES, THEY DESERVED TO DIE! AND I HOPE THEY BURN IN HELL!
ANAKIN
What have I done? Now I must whine on and on about whether I should turn bad or not.
PALPATINE
I'd rather Sam had killed me than have to listen to this crap. Just go kill some defenseless toddlers or something, huh? You depress me when you mope around like this.
EXT. FOGGY PLANET
Kenobi fucking finally kills Grievous.
OBI-WAN
I’m not a pussy! I’m not a pussy!
The clones start shooting at Obi-Wan. He survives by hiding.
ONE CLONE
What a pussy.
CLONES
Cheers! G'day!
EXT. BUNCH OF OTHER PLANETS - NIGHT
The Jedi, who are supposed to be able to sense everything around them, get shot in the back by clones.
SOME JEDI
I had the audacity to get hit once, look shocked, and then get blasted a dozen more times.
OTHER JEDI
You were even holding your lightsaber! In every other movie you can’t turn those things on without knocking lasers back at the enemy!
SOME JEDI
At least the audience got to watch that Grievous stuff.
AUDIENCE
Grievous was bullshit!
GEORGE LUCAS
I can’t hear you, I’ve got over nine hundred million dollars stuffed in my ears.
EXT. OTHER FOGGY PLANET - DAY
CHEWBACCA and a bunch of awesome WOOKIES hang out with Yoda. The clones try to shoot Yoda in the back and he kills them.
AUDIENCE
Phat! They’re finally fighting back! Maybe Chewie’ll do something cool.
CHEWBACCA
Well, I guess I’ll be going.
AUDIENCE
Aww...
INT. WEST BEVERLY HIGH SCHOOL - NIGHT
Anakin slaughters some children.
ANAKIN
Technically, I still haven’t gone over to the dark side.
DEAD KID
What’s he got to do, molest our smouldering corpses?
OTHER DEAD KID
Don’t give him any ideas.
INT. JIMMY SMITS’ SPACESHIP
It’s the spaceship from the first Star Wars movie. You know, the good one? Anyways, Yoda and Obi-Wan are the only Jedi left.
YODA
Idea I have. Split up we must.
OBI-WAN
Why work as a team when your enemies are the most dangerous dudes in the galaxy?
YODA
Like the way you think do I.
INT. CHEESEY DIGITAL SENATE HALL - NIGHT
Yoda and Palpatine, who now talks like a cartoon frog, fight for a while.
YODA
Run away like muppet bitch will I.
PALPATINE
You’ve been hanging with Obi-Wan, haven’t you?
GEORGE LUCAS
I could have made Yoda running away logical by sticking in one measly shot of clones busting in on the fight, but I was too busy figuring out how to make the sword juggler in “Raiders of the Lost Ark” shoot first.
EXT. MOUNT ST. HELENS - NIGHT
Lava spews everywhere. Padme lands on a platform where Anakin is torturing kittens.
ANAKIN
Booga booga booga! I’m kah-razy! You’re all out to get me!
PADME
There’s still good in you.
ANAKIN
(choking her)
Really?
Obi-Wan comes out of nowhere.
OBI-WAN
I’ll handle this.
They have a long, dull sword fight.
GEORGE LUCAS
(with stopwatch)
That’s long and dull enough.
Obi-Wan slices off Anakin’s arms and legs with no effort.
ANAKIN
I guess you’re not such a pussy after all.
Anakin, now called “Stubby,” catches fire.
INT. BIG BLACK ROOM
Palpatine slaps mechanical limbs and the Vader suit on Stubby.
PALPATINE
You killed the little lady. Yeah, that’s the ticket.
STUBBY
NOOOO! YOU MANIACS! YOU BLEW IT UP! DAMN YOU! GOD DAMN YOU ALL TO HELL!
INT. JIMMY SMIT’S SPACESHIP
Padme cries like a fountain as she gives birth. Yoda and Obi-Wan sit with thumb in ass once again.
YODA
Run and hide like squealing girls we must.
OBI-WAN
But I just stopped being a wimpy pussball!
GEORGE LUCAS
You will obey.
Obi-Wan takes George Lucas aside.
OBI-WAN
I know you like to do things as indirectly as possible, but how about I sit in there with Padme as she dies from her wounds? Wouldn’t that be nice and involving?
GEORGE LUCAS
Whose movies earn over a hundred mil the opening weekend? You? I don’t think so. Some droid you've never seen before will come up and say the twins are fine but she’s dying of a broken heart. Why show when you can tell?
OBI-WAN
I don't get you, man.
GEORGE LUCAS
The implication is that she’s abandoning her children in terrifying universe. Heroic, right?
Obi-Wan punches Lucas.
YODA
Obi-wan, please.
Yoda pushes Obi-Wan aside and slaps Lucas. Chewbacca muscles in and strangles Lucas. The entire audience pull knives, brass knuckles, and 2x4s with nails through them, then get in line.
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