Join: May 2nd 2005 7:26 am Posts: 1998 Location: Down the rabbit hole
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HARRY'S REVIEW
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[align=left] Dammit! Harry hated THE CLONE WARS!
I’ve never hated a STAR WARS film before. I have weathered Jar Jar and any number of Ewoks. I survived Hayden and a wooden Portman. I even accepted Jake Lloyd. I handled all that because it felt like STAR WARS.
I can accept all of Lucas’ flaws, so long as at its heart it felt like Star Wars. I can deal with politics in Star Wars. I can deal with trade skirmishes in Star Wars. I can deal with musical numbers, breathing in the vacuum of space. Basically – so long as it feels like STAR WARS – I can watch any of it.
Was I looking forward to STAR WARS: THE CLONE WARS (2008)?
FUCKING A!
I was dying. After Genndy’s CLONE WARS – I felt that perhaps Lucas “got it” – and that this new animated series was taking a lead from Tartakovsky’s brilliant assembly of pieces. Genndy’s CLONE WARS got STAR WARS better than anyone has got it since Lawrence Kasdan and Irvin Kershner. Genndy took designs and characters that folks were dissatisfied with and made them cool. He did this by using and adapting the themes created by John Williams, the wholly perfect entity involved with Star Wars along with… the sound effects of Ben Burtt. He understood speed and motion – not just with action, but in editing. He understood classic film composition and iconography. And he knows what BADASS is.
The folks behind this STAR WARS: THE CLONE WARS movie… you could tell, they looked at what Genndy did – but they didn’t understand any of it. There’s a shitload of battles and shit going boom. There’s noise everywhere – fury everywhere… but none of it is directed. The music by Kevin Kiner is criminally bad. Why they didn’t employ Paul Dinletir and James Venable is beyond me. No, no – let’s hire the composer of WALKER, TEXAS RANGER. Ahem.
Now – I made excuses for this film as I was watching it. I don’t think you understand how much I love STAR WARS. Maybe you do, maybe you do too.
Before the movie started I was firing myself up to go out after the film and buy that new $200 Hasbro Millenium Falcon. I really wanted to go buy it, and I wanted this movie to empower my brain to go through with that. Instead, I found myself at home – putting on Genndy’s THE CLONE WARS – to try and rebuild my passion – so I can go get that new Falcon.
Instead – I’m thinking I’ll just be here at home enjoying this and that’ll be all I need.
Anyway – as I was watching the film, I was excusing the sloppy shots, the sloppy use of the Clone Troopers and Droids – undoing all the awesome work that Genndy had done – and the droids are silly again. The Clone Troopers are limp. And the Jedi – they’re at 25% power from the mind of Genndy. But I was accepting that. I figured that was Lucas dialing back so that the animated series wouldn’t overpower his features.
Then they introduced Baby Jabba aka Rotta the Huttlet aka Stinky. At the point of this character’s introduction – it officially became, the worst character in the history of STAR WARS. If you hate George Lucas cutsiepoo bullshit – oooooooh boy. You’re gonna have a field day of venting and hatred directed at this unbelievably fucking awful little shit.
Oh – but wait… Little Stinky the Hutt isn’t the worst character in the history of STAR WARS… because Stinky got introduced earlier in the film. As much as I hated lil Stinky… I was weathering Stinky. I seriously was. But later there was a character of such immense shit – offensively bad. The character was so bad, so incredibly awful – that it was a slap to the face. It woke me out of my shit-accepting stupor and made me angry. SUDDENLY my “inner . rage” was awoken.
As I watched this terrifyingly awful character named Ziro the Hutt. A seemingly female Hutt – with tattoos and make-up that sounds like a racist take on a Black New Orleans Crack-Dealing Whore. Because this Hutt speaks ENGLISH – and it is many times worse than I’m actually describing. This character was actually too much for me. So bad that every flaw I was looking past, was now a road sign to inadequacy and mediocrity. All of a sudden my brain realized that Asajj Ventress’ voice no longer was acceptable – and sure enough – the amazing Grey DeLisle, who originally voiced the character back in 2003 – had been replaced by a Nika Futterman – and that voice was missed. The character didn’t have that snarling menace anymore.
I realized that nothing in this animated film felt right. I felt time expanding. It seemed that the film was dragging – nevermind that lots of shit was firing all over the place – and stuff was going boom and things were being revealed. I just didn’t care because this wasn’t what I wanted.
I hated the score, the animation, the shots, the characters and most of all the retarded fucking idiot story.
I hated the film. HATED IT. REALLY HATED IT.
Does this mean the whole Star Wars Animated Series is doomed? No – but it isn’t a good sign. So much of this is awful because of the Hutt plotlines and character. I also feel that Dave Filoni must be a hack. His work here is sloppy – and depending on writers and directing talent – individual episodes may be better. This film was several episodes all strung together – my prayer is that the individual episodes will be both great and awful – and we’ll discover which talents are responsible for each.
That said – the audience did have light applause. My father liked it. My sister felt too much was going on. Me nephew really liked it. That said – Yoko was complaining right along with me. She thought it was shit too. I know Moriarty liked it. Wonder what Quint and Massawyrm thought.
Fuck. I hated a STAR WARS. That fucking sucks.[/align]
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MASSAWYRM'S REVIEW
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[align=left] Hola all. Massawyrm here.
A long time ago in a galaxy far, far away…life was good and a movie named Star Wars rocked our god damned faces off. But those days are gone, in their place an endless stream of merchandising not meant for the average consumer, but the hyper specialized fan who still to this day must own everything and anything properly branded with the Star Wars logo. The inmates run the asylum now as Lucas long ago stopped listening to his soul as an artist - his heart as a storyteller – and has since begun listening to the slavering sheep who cry themselves to sleep at night with their Darth Vader backpacks clutched close to their chests lest they separate it from their beating hearts. He’s long since stopped working with the geniuses of old, replacing them with young, idealistic artists who revere him as some sort of living Man-God and long to carry on his legacy rather than forging their own. He’s forgotten that the most important duty you have to your fanbase is not to give them what they want – but instead to give them what they REALLY want.
Do the sheep REALLY want a bunch of scenes of characters whose destinies we already know fly through a series of dogfights so their pretty ships can go PEWPEWPEW against lifeless moronic droids so incompetent you question the tenacity of anyone that would put them into service let alone fight a war with an army of them? Do the sheep REALLY want to spend the next 20 years of their lives arguing that the movies they love don’t, in fact, suck the hair off of a nutless monkey? Do the sheep REALLY want an animated television series not written for 30-year-old men, but easily amused 8 year olds on Saturday morning between bites of soggy Corn Puffs? Because that’s what they’re fucking getting with The Clone Wars.
This. Is. Shit-ty.
Everything that was wrong with the prequels is wrong again here. There’s not much reason to dredge out all those complaints again. The Prequels aren’t actually Star Wars movies. They’re Fanfic. Bad fanfic that tries to include every element you love about Star Wars without actually using those elements the way they were intended. And while some might argue that it can’t be fanfic if the original creator is involved, I would counter that the creator in question died a long time ago. In a galaxy far, far away. As an artist Lucas is entirely bankrupt, no longer able to conjure a single, tangible, original idea. And unlike other artists in his situation, he isn’t able to properly recycle the ones he had to begin with either.
No, Star Wars is an ailing, dying beached whale of a property, too large to ignore but left too long in the sun to save. And the stench is unimaginable. So leave it to television writers to sit down and come up with a classic solution to lagging ratings. Their genius booster shot in the arm of suckdom? A plucky tween girl sidekick who keeps getting herself into trouble while being delightfully precocious and calling Anakin…Darth fucking Vader himself…Skyguy. Again. And again. And again. Every time this 14-year-old little monster opens her mouth to say something “witty” my jaw went slack and my eyes rolled into the back of my skull. She’s unbearable, absolutely excruciating to watch, and yet she finds herself in almost every scene of the film. She’s around so much I half expected her to pop up in scenes with the emperor or the Hutts, just stumbling into frame while saying something “cute” like “Oops, wrong door,” or “This isn’t the shuttle bay.”
Seriously, the only way she could be any more annoying is if she added the word MEESA to the beginning of every sentence and BOMBAD to the end of it. You beginning to feel me? I get that they might be working towards a Luke Skywalker type transformation, but that doesn’t replace the fact that A) her very presence makes me want to punch the person nearest me in the face repeatedly and B) she will not, ever, play a part in the mythology of the original films…or the fanfic prequel films…at all, unless Lucas goes back in to tinker with them AGAIN. So odds are she will meet a bitter untimely end sometime later in the series, like randomly slamming into an asteroid like the Han Solo clone from Shadows of the Empire. If and when that happens, I MIGHT tune in. If I don’t just youtube the scene. Again. And again. And again.
Then there’s the unending problem of putting characters in peril that we already know the fates of. Look, George. Having Anakin and Count Dooku have a dual ISN’T EXCITING. We already know what happens to Dooku. He died on screen YEARS AGO. We know he doesn’t die at the hands of Skywalker. Nor does Skywalker get so much as a scratch from him. We know this already. So why devote so much time to it, unless you’re completely out of ide…
Oh.
The party’s over guys. The only one’s left here are the folks who haven’t realized it yet. I’m sure the Star wars fan forums are going to be aflutter with the revelations that Dooku once fought Anakin or that Anakin actually once went back to Tatooine, or that Jabba has an Uncle that - unlike other Hutt’s - sounds like a bad New Orleans piano player. But for the rest of us? This is just another episode in a long line of attempts to charge you for something you loved as a kid. I mean honestly, how much shit would we be giving Coppola if he had greenlit The Further Adventures of the Corleone’s? Because that’s what this is.
Will I be watching the series? After an hour and a half of being bored to tears? Not on your life. That path leads only to fear and anger, and we all know that once you start down that path, there is no turning back. If you WANT this to be good rather than KNOWING it will be good, odds are you’re gonna be in the same boat as myself. This is no better than the Prequels. Scrub that hope out of your heart now.
Until next time friends, smoke ‘em if ya got ‘em. Massawyrm[/align]
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MORIARTY'S REVIEW
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[align=left] Moriarty’s CLONE WARS Review... Sorta...
Hey, everyone. “Moriarty” here.
You know what . phrase I really hate?
“George Lucas raped my childhood.”
No he didn’t. He didn’t “rape” you in any way. That’s such a specifically, intentionally ugly use of the word, and in the end, even if you hate every single thing he’s done since the end of JEDI, he still hasn’t “raped” you at all. He’s never forced you to do anything. Many of us grew up fans of the original trilogy, and I can understand feeling a massive disconnect from what he’s done with the series recently, but “rape”? Hardly.
George Lucas inspired a great deal of my childhood. He ignited a love of film in me that has continued, full force, from 1977 to today. I was there for the theatrical runs of the STAR WARS films. I was rabid long before there was an Internet. And the thing that Harry and I were first in contact over was the teaser trailer for STAR WARS: THE SPECIAL EDITIONS.
Since I started at AICN, I have written thousands and thousands and thousands of words about STAR WARS. Timing’s a funny thing, because right around the time I got actively involved with the site was the time that prequel rumors really started heating up. And we covered them. The real ones. The fake ones. The silly ones. The ones that made us hope. It was a thrilling time, and I was living with a good buddy, Segue Zagnut, and his wife while all that was going on. Obi-Swan was always over. All of our friends were STAR WARS crazy. It was just a great time to be a film geek and, in particular, a STAR WARS fan.
Here are a few of the highlights of the STAR WARS coverage I’ve done over the years here at the site.
Here’s my reaction to the EPISODE I teaser trailer, which was a great evening for fandom overall just because of that feeling of community.
Here’s my review of the script for EPISODE I. It was, as you can, published a wee bit early, which is what kicked off Lucasfilm’s now-decade-long war against me and, on a slightly wider scale, the site.
When I went to ShoWest in 1999, the Fox presentation was one of the things I covered.
As a result of that EPISODE I script review, I was Banned From The Ranch. Officially. How we learned that fact became the subject of this article, which earned me more mail than almost anything else I’ve ever written for the site.
That ban is evidently still in place today, which seems ridiculous, but we’ll get into that later.
So of course, I had to write a review for the script to EPISODE II, just to tweak George a bit.
Here’s my EPISODE I review once the film was finally finished.
Here’s my EPISODE II review once the film was finally finished.
And here's the summation of it all, my EPISODE III review, as well.
As some of you will remember, I spent over a year organizing “Jedi Council” meetings for AICN, roundtable discussions with other fans that we posted as massive transcripts. They were so much fun, but our search engine just coughs at me and then shits on the floor when I try to ask it to pull all those articles up.
I found a few, though. Like this one.
Or this one.
Or this one.
Or this one.
The point is, I’ve written about STAR WARS for almost ten years here at the site, and I’ve been thinking about it nonstop as a fan for thirty-one years.
And I think it’s time to stop.
You did it, Mr. Lucas. You finally broke me of the habit. The embargo that you told Warner Bros. to enforce on our site, the ONLY SITE OR MEDIA OUTLET ANYWHERE THAT WAS HELD TO THAT EMBARGO DATE, is a very clear signal. You don’t want me to write about STAR WARS. And it may have taken me this long to realize that it’s not just that you don’t want me to spoil secrets... you don’t want me to write about it AT ALL... but I’ve finally taken the hint.
Yeah, I’m the only regular reviewer here at the site who kind of liked THE CLONE WARS. And, yeah, I’ll be tuning in with Toshi to watch every episode of the series, and I’m sure I’ll watch the live-action show, too.
But as of right now, midnight in Los Angeles on August 15, 2008, I am done writing about STAR WARS. No more. No reviews. No retrospectives. No news. No coverage at all. Because embargoes can work the other way, too. If it pains Lucas on a professional and a personal and a corporate level that someone who was part of the generation that made him a billionaire has an opinion about his product, then I will spare him that pain from now on. Happily.
Because let’s be honest... I love STAR WARS (which is what I still call the first film) and EMPIRE, and all the others are, I think, inferior product that I enjoy on a much more surface level. I love the iconography of the universe Lucas created. I love lightsabers and robots and spaceships and Art Deco intergalactic architecture, and I love Jedi Knights and Sith Lords and all that stuff. I can’t wait to play the FORCE UNLEASHED video game next month, and I’ll happily admit to having read the novelizations of both CLONE WARS and FORCE UNLEASHED that were sent over for review. The book for CLONE WARS is better than the movie, by the way. It explains more (including the idea that Hutts reproduce asexually, and only once, making Jabba’s link to his son far more dramatic) and there’s a slightly more adult tone to the whole thing. I enjoy all of this stuff, openly and without any of the baggage that seems to have poisoned a lot of fandom these days.
But maybe that’s because it’s no longer that important to me overall. You go back and read some of those pieces I wrote in 1998 or 1999, and that’s a hardcore STAR WARS fan, a guy who still believes that STAR WARS is an important cornerstone of genre film. These days, I consider it one of the many, many influences that turned me on to my overall love of film, but that’s it. It is not something I spend much time thinking about or watching. I doubt I’ll watch any of the films again until my kids are ready to see them. To be perfectly frank, I have something like 9000 or 10000 movies in my house, and yet I don’t have a single copy of any of the prequels. That sort of tells you how important the movies are to me these days.
You win, Mr. Lucas. When I was getting ready to see THE CLONE WARS, I was told there was an embargo in place, so I was prepared to honor it until opening day. What I wasn’t prepared for was the punitive and offensive way the rest of the situation was handled. Warner Bros. has a great publicity team that I deal with all the time, and although every single communication I got was from them, they were out of character. Warner never once blamed Lucasfilm for any of this, but come on... I know what was going on. Warner tried their best to behave with honor to Lucasfilm and to us, and they got just as screwed as we did.
I am sorry that I ever spend the time and energy I did on STAR WARS, Mr. Lucas. I am sorry that I poured my money and, before that, my parents’ money into your pockets. I’m sorry that after decades of being a fan, even when there was no new STAR WARS to satisfy that craving, I somehow made your life so unbearable simply by sharing my enthusiasm for that world with our readership.
You win. I’m done. From now on, my opinion about STAR WARS is for me and for my immediate friends, and that’s that. Your embargo has opened my eyes, and I wish you nothing but peace now that the threat of me saying something as controversial as “His cartoon movie’s kind of fun” has been erased. The internet is safe now. STAR WARS is safe now. Congratulations.
Like I said... George Lucas didn’t rape anything.
But he sure is a fucking bully.[/align]
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bearvomit wrote: AICN posted 2 very negative reviews yesterday but were contacted by the studio and pulled them. apparently there's a review embargo until friday. hollywoodreporter.com posted their review and said it sucks too. Basically, pretty visuals, bad story.
Saw that. Merrick liked it, Harry and Mass didn't. Shrug.
I think it's a kids flick, as long as I go in with that mindset, I think I'll be good. I know my girls will at least.
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