Well MF, I have two tests to take and I get my diploma. I have been up to my god damn eyeballs in bullshit and clusterfuck for the last few months so I haven't had much to say here.

Those long, serene days of peace are now ending. I have a lot of hyper-aggressive keyboarding madness clogging the descending colon of my brainpan. I am declaring a war of words against the people of Earth. Although, it is almost summer here, which means half-naked women. Depending on how that goes, I may not have that much to say.


Prepare for thy (potential) (verbal) doom.

You don't scare me.



And good luck....and shit. *strikes a thug pose*

Word, homey. Word to the motherstar.

I wasn't trying to scare anyone btw, I'm just saying that's why I have been nonexistent around here. I have seriously written a fucking novel or two over the last three years. Unfortunately it's a long, boring one that wreaks of amateurish rehashes of textbook quotations and 'reflections' about stuff I was forced to learn. A very small percentage may be useful beyond it's academic shelf-life. I like to write. And hear myself talk. I have just spent the last few years writing and talking about shit that brought me little personal satisfaction. And that maybe is what I'm declaring war on.

So the degree is in...?

Badass Motherfuckery, of course.

Good on you, Troy. Hopefully you didn't put yourself into too much debt.

Ha! I'm in debt up to my eyeballs on that. But, it's a pretty manageable trade-off.

I'm getting a degree in Mortuary Science. And before anyone goes "ewwww" let me just say this: Job. Security. Cuz' aint no robot or guy in a foreign country gonna' offer to do my job. Well, the robot maybe, I'm hoping to build/sell/retire off of that idea though. Hope nobody beats me to it. Plus, I look at it as a scientific endeavor, with a need for some artistic ability, communication skills, and an ability to go places and do things that would traumatize and scare the fuck out of the entire rest of the population of the planet. What I do, no one else will do. So it pays pretty good. I wondered when I started this job if I'd feel bad, making a living off of other people's misery. And I've decided I don't. I legitimately care about and respect people, and I mean that.

I got into this job right after my brother died. I think about how I felt going through that whenever I meet with someone, and I treat people how I would liked to have been treated back then but wasn't. I won't participate in outright ripping people off, but if I could even describe to you people what I do in a given week, which I can't, you'd see why I feel ok with getting a paycheck. Nobody would do this for free, even under the best of circumstances. Plus I gotta' buy the suit, and the gigantic customized Cadillac aint cheap either.

There are many people, especially oddly enough in the business, who don't see the value in the traditional Funeral service. People think it's a waste of money, and in a logical, frugal sense I understand that. But I'm not one of those fashionably humble people.

I want a god damned marching band, leading the legion of Stormtroopers who will carry the gigantic Viking ship I want to be buried in, down the street to the cemetery where my gigantic above ground crypt made of solid crystal blocks and gaudy gold accents will house my perfectly preserved remains Lenin-style for eons to come. But I'm kind of zany like that.

You ganna be the tall man?

I am almost 40, so I doubt I'll be sprouting any higher than my current 5'10" stature. And I have suits that are colors other than black. I do possess super-human strength though, and I am a little zany. That's about where my resemblance to that guy ends. Besides, I like to think I run a classier service. In the Phantasm movies, everything looks kind of run down and shabby. He must not pay his people very well.

You have to hire dwarves to run around in brown, burlap sacks.

See, that's what I mean. No. I don't. I'd rather hire someone who can look polished, and do what I ask them to do. Minions are handy, but in the end I have to rely on these people to do the job. And brainless, shrunken zombies are hard to explain when I want 2 G's for my 'basic services'. I'm not opposed to hiring little people. But they better look sharp and be quick witted. Or they will quit anyway because I'm kind of an asshole.

Isnt that what kids are for? They dont really have a choice...

Kids, ha! I'm not hiring any kids. A, they are useless in my environment. 2, they would be completely traumatized for life. And C, they complain way too much. When I have to go get someones 500 lb loved one down three flights of stairs and drive them across town at 3 am, I don't have time for any babysitting.

Now midget women wouldn't be a bad idea. I'd need them to work in teams of three though. And sign a whole stack of waivers.

Do they need to be acrobatic?

It would be a plus. There are sometimes a lot of bizarre obstacles.

Plus, there are certain BFOQ's attached after all. Equal opportunity laws being what they are, between discrimination and the risk of liability, liability is easier to get sued for. If I've got to hire a team of acrobatic little people they will have to be able to perform the job with "reasonable accommodations". If they team up and it doesn't work out, the Jones's or whoever's grandmother gets dumped down the stairs on accident will have the shirt off my back. And the Caddy. And none of that looks good on a job application.

On a mostly unrelated note, in the distant future I envision humans zipping around in some kind of hover-pod as both mass and personal transit. An individualized 'life-raft' of sorts. Bullet-proof and buoyant, these pod-like devices should generate electrical and motive power as well as provide basics like thermal control, breathable air, and water. When you die, they should detach the main compartment with you in it and bury that. Then people can stop being mad about me selling them a bitchin' casket they never see after we use it. I think it will look something like the 'abandoned for no good reason' Toyota concepts from a few years ago. There was a manufacturer bandwagon back then, but Toyota's was a really neat design I thought.

Casket of the future (sort of):


Goofy jumpsuit and Japanese heritage not required.

Speaking of great ideas shuttled to the dustbin by major manufacturers, an army of Q-rios still might be the most awesome idea ever:



But instead of doing something smart, or even something charitable like helping the poor, we do this kind of thing:



We are a bunch of selfish monkeys. Getting a job burying or molecularly reconstituting 'us' seems to be the only endeavor with a certain future these days.

Is that a Bhugatti police car?

Yep. Dubai P.D. has money to burn. Because being a low-foreheaded ego-jockey is fashionable these days.

If they were really just trying to be the fastest cops on wheels, they should have bought a couple of Dodge Tomahawks. But that would require good sense, and gigantic balls. Neither of which seems in abundance in the world anymore.

Whoa I'll be done in 3 weeks. I'll be 24 with a degree in English literature and language. I obviously didn't get into this for the job security, seeing as I'm applying to graduate school to eventually teach at the community college/state college level. Those schools aren't exactly getting much funding, especially in CA. But fuck it.

Congrats Troy

Yeah, but who are you going to impress riding a street missile troy? Now the Bughatti....people will stop just to look at it.

Hey, congrats to you too Longtime Sunshine.

People will stop to look at it, hell, I woke up in a new Bugatti. What's the big deal.

It's pretty, it's fast, that describes a whole 1/4 of the women I pretend to tell people I've gotten with. I don't see any cops driving THEM around.

Then you're not watching the right videos...

Ha! Porn that pretends to have a story is so retro I just can't enjoy it anymore. I like when people just have at it on video. I don't need a screenplay, although I think a lot of more mainstream productions could do with some more eroticism. But the porn should just admit what it is.

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So, you're a fan of xart.com then...

Nah, that's WAY too high brow for me. And it's all 'professional'.

I prefer the plethora of free, copyright infringed multi-deviance optionality of places like xhamster (warning: typically one pop-up on clicking after screen loads, you've been warned ;P)

You know it's classy when Japanese Porn ranks in it's "sub search" list from google.

I know, right?? Classy, lol.

Everything I do, I do classy. I could be lying drunk in a gutter, and I'd look like someone's rich uncle, lying drunk in a gutter

I'm not someone's rich uncle, but you wouldn't know that until you stole my wallet. And I don't drink, so that would be even weirder.

We can always slip you a mickey